February 4, 2024
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For the past two days, my X feed has been filled with nearly nonstop discussion about pronouns. More specifically, the question of whether it is ever appropriate to use the third person pronouns “she” and “her” when referring to a man, and/or to use the third person pronouns “he” and “him” when referring to a woman.
I’m not seeing any discussion about this topic from people who demand that people use opposite pronouns when referring to people who lie about their sex in the third person (sometimes known as TRAs, or “trans rights activists”); all this discussion is occurring among people who consider themselves to be “gender critical,” radical feminist, or some other type of person who knows that sex is real.
It all started when Janice Turner, a British journalist, and columnist and feature writer for The Times, published a piece titled, “Debbie Hayton: the trans woman taking on the trans activists.” The article is here, and an archived version is here.
For American subscribers who don’t know, Debbie (David) Hayton is a man who decided in 2012 that he’s a woman and has had hormones and surgeries to make himself appear more like a woman than he otherwise would.
Hayton today, posing in his kitchen for the article (having just done the dishes while wearing a nice blazer, I suppose):
Hayton 30 years ago, marrying his wife, Stephanie:
Photo credit for both goes to The Times.
Hayton gets himself into quite a bit of trouble with “trans activists” for opposing so-called “gender self-identification” (that’s where you just get to decide what sex you are and have your legal documents changed accordingly). He also gets into trouble with radical feminists who complain about his misogyny. The current debate is essentially between women who think it’s appropriate to refer to him as “she” and “her” and women who don’t.
To be clear, all the voices I’m hearing from are women (and quite a few men) who know that Hayton is a man. No one in this debate actually believes he’s a woman. There are several dimensions of this debate that I don’t have time to go into here, such as limitations placed on journalists when it comes to the use of language, the importance of remaining anonymous on X when it comes to talking about sex and gender, and the condition of autogynephilia (when a man is sexually aroused at the thought of himself as a woman). The crux of the current dispute is about which pronouns to use for him (my position on the matter is probably clear by now).
The point of this post is to re-share a talk I gave at the 2023 conference of the Independent Council on Women’s Sports (ICONS) on behalf of the U.S. chapter of Women’s Declaration International titled “The Importance of Using Accurate Sex-Based Language.” If you’d like, you can read it here (with slides included):
I talked about a 2019 piece that had been published by the group Fair Play for Women called “Pronouns are Rohypnol,” where the author states, “One of the biggest obstacles to halting the stampede over women’s rights is pronoun and preferred name ‘courtesy.’ People severely underestimate the psychological impact to themselves, and to others, of compliance.” I think this is true, and I would encourage readers to read the piece and come to your own conclusions.
The author uses as an example “The Stroop Effect,” described as a “delay in reaction time between congruent and incongruent stimuli.” You can do an experiment to help understand it more clearly here. The Stroop Effect itself has nothing to do with pronouns, but it helps us understand why it is so dangerous to ourselves and others, psychologically, to use opposite-sex pronouns when talking about people in the third person.
I won’t take this opportunity to tell the pro-pronoun people that they’re wrong (or, in today’s parlance, “police others’ speech”). I’ll simply state my own position and let others come to theirs, based on all available resources: Men aren’t women, ever, and I won’t refer to them as “she” or “her.” Or, even better, to quote radical feminist Robin Morgan from a 1973 conference in Los Angeles, from Michelle Goldberg’s 2014 New Yorker article, “What is a Woman?”:
And the pronoun debate rages on.
I don’t use incorrect pronouns, period. If asked about what pronouns I use, I just say, you can figure it out. If in a discussion in a group where there is a trans person I use their name in the discussion and avoid pronoun use altogether. I will not enable a lie.
I used to use wrong pronouns out of “ respect.” But after a horrific experience of living with a ‘weekend woman’ roommate ( male 90% of the time, just not on weekends or at parties.) there became a crack in my respect. After hearing badass gender critical woman all over the world speak on this topic, they helped me see the light, and I no longer use them. I just tell people “ I opt out of using pronouns.” Are pronouns respect, special needs or privilege?” If I’m forced to give my pronouns, they are; I am woman/ hear me roar. And if you don’t say them it’s violence.